Some people think of wizards as nothing more than men in pointy hats who like to go around turning people into toads. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Perhaps wizards should come together and agree on a saying or two to better humanize their profession; for instance, “Wizards are wonderful!” or “Take a wizard to lunch!” Yet I doubt this will ever occur, for wizards are by and large a solitary breed. Still, this should not stop you from trying to understand my profession. If you should offer, for example, to take a wizard to lunch, I imagine he would go gladly. And if you were to tell a wizard he wasn’t wonderful, I’m sure he would be quite happy to turn you into a toad.
— THE TEACHINGS OF EBENEZUM,
VOLUME I
“Wuntvor!”
A woman’s voice called to me. I turned in haste, almost losing my balance on the edge of the dock.
It was Norei.
“Beloved!” I cried, running back up the dock and onto the cobblestone street on which she stood. “I’m so glad to see you! Ebenezum, Hendrek, all the townspeople— “
“Oh, dear,” she said. “You’ve been trying to hire a boat for Vushta, haven’t you?”
“Then you know! It was—” I began to shake. I could no longer speak. What was a boat? What was a vushta? What was a hire?
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Norei said. She recited a quick string of magic words. I blinked.
“—terrible.” I finished my sentence and rushed into her arms.
“I had no choice! I realize it was a little severe, but I had to do some— Wuntvor, please!” she said as she disentangled herself from my embrace. “I know you’re happy to see me, and I’m glad to see you, too, but, frankly, when I kiss you, all I can think about is a grackle!”
I stepped away from her, startled. What was she saying?
“That’s much better. I’m afraid we have far too much to do right now to think of ourselves, anyway. Wait for this crisis to be over, Wuntvor. Then we can become reacquainted.”
Yes, she was right! This was no time to think of ourselves! What about my master, and Hendrek, and the townspeople caught by the stupidity spell?
“So,” the boatman asked, “just how much gold would you be willing to offer me?”
“Wait a moment!” called the stout fisherman. “The wizard has already asked me to ferry him across.”
“Indeed,” the wizard said levelly. “Apparently, we can now discuss this at our leisure. If the two of you would care to quote me rates?”
“Doom,” Hendrek intoned.
“Norei!” I cried happily. “You’ve removed the spell!”
“And why wouldn’t I?” A playful smile touched her perfect lips. “It was my spell in the first place. I’m sorry I had to use such a strong one, but the demon Guxx would have blocked anything gentler. And I had to keep you from leaving without me, at any cost.”
“Indeed?” the wizard said. “Would you care to tell us why?”
“I have been sent by my family to—” She paused, glancing at the two boatmen. “—to discuss certain matters of the strictest confidence. When you are finished with your negotiations, we should find a private place to talk.”
“Agreed,” the wizard replied, then returned to his haggling. In a few moments we had secured the services of the larger boat for half what the smaller would have cost us. The boatman, who believed he had struck an excellent bargain, smiled and said we would leave at dawn tomorrow. When the wizard began to protest the delay, the boatman threw up his hands and said he had to wait for the morning winds. If the wizard could produce the winds sooner, they could leave sooner.
Ebenezum turned to Norei. “No,” he said, after a moment’s pause, “I don’t think my malady could abide it. Besides, we require some rest. And we have things to discuss.”
Ebenezum gave the boatman a piece of gold to seal the bargain. Then Norei, Ebenezum, Hendrek and myself retired to the town’s only inn.
“Doom,” Hendrek said as he walked beside me.
“Doom de doom doom doom.”
“Norei!” I cried. “Hendrek still feels some ill effects from your spell!”
“On the contrary,” the large warrior shook his enormous, bearded head. “The spell has benefited me. I have discovered that I like to hum. Doom. Doom de doom doom.”
I wondered what Snarks would think of the warrior’s new hobby.
“Master?” I asked, reminded of the demon. “What should we do about the rest of our party?”
“A good question,” the mage replied. “We will have Norei contact them, and tell them to meet us on the docks tomorrow morning. They may both be of use during the trials ahead. Tonight, however, I think we may need the quiet only their absence can bring.”
With that, the wizard led the way into the tiny inn.
The room we entered was pleasantly dark and cool after the late summer’s heat outside. Cooking smells wafted in through a door on the far side that apparently led into the kitchen. My mouth watered. I’d forgotten how much I liked good, inn-cooked food. I thought fondly of plates piled high with pork and mutton, perhaps a fresh-caught fish from the Inland Sea, even a roast fowl or two, washed down by a good, strong ale. Life at its fullest!
The innkeeper greeted us cheerfully, his hands wringing his apron. “Strangers in town? Of course. You would like dinner? Of course. Would you step this way please? We will give you our best table, of course. We treat strangers well here. My wife sometimes asks me, can you be sure with strangers? ‘Of course!’ I cry. Who are strangers but people just like us, only from a different place. Lania! Mugs and settings for this fine company!”
A serving wench appeared, laden with plates and cutlery. She smiled as she passed me. Quite a nice smile, actually. If I was not promised to Norei—but, there was no time for foolish thoughts. We must prepare for the last leg of our journey.
“And what would the party care for?” The innkeeper spoke to all of us, but his eyes rested on the warrior Hendrek.
“Doom,” the huge fellow replied. “I need to keep up my strength. One of everything.”
“Of course! Lania, help me in the kitchen!”
“Indeed,” Ebenezum said once the innkeeper had disappeared. “Now that we are alone, Norei, I must know what your message is.”
“Oh, yes,” Norei answered quickly. “It is something my mother, grandmother and I discerned during one of our sessions of group magic. We tried to contact you immediately, but the demon Guxx had already blocked the way. Since I was youngest and could move the fastest, I was sent to tell you in person.”
She sipped her ale. Her neck looked very attractive as she swallowed. How I wished I could kiss that neck! But no, for now I must abstain. There were more important things to attend to. Besides, I reasoned, perhaps it was best if I simply spent some time around her as an obviously human apprentice, as opposed to the grackle she seemed to remember all too well.
“I trust Wuntvor told you most of what we learned.” She glanced at me for but an instant with her pale green eyes. I looked away, lest the fire building inside me consume me whole.
“But there was one thing I did not impart to our bravely flying grackle,” Norei continued. “The Nether-hells had prepared a truly devastating fate for Ebenezum, once he had set out to sea!”
At that point, the kitchen door banged open. The innkeeper walked to our table, bearing a large platter. Lying upon that platter, and sagging slightly over the edges, was an even larger fish.
“For our honored guests, nothing but the best!” the innkeeper exclaimed. “Of course, we begin with a specialty of my humble establishment, the great rainbow fish of the Inland Sea!”
Cooked, the fish’s scales gleamed a dozen pale pastels, gray to blue, pink to purple. The colors were set off even more by the orange-and-green checkered vest the fish appeared to be wearing.
“Odd,” the innkeeper said, staring at the vest. “That isn’t usually a part of the preparation. Lania, what did you put on this fish?”
Hendrek reached quickly for the platter. “Doom!” he exclaimed.
The vest was quicker than Hendrek’s hands. It slipped from the platter as Hendrek grabbed, and fell to the floor, where it solidified into Brax the salesdemon.
“Boy, are you guys in for it this time!” Brax cackled as it puffed on its cigar. “I don’t know why I even bothered showing up. Well, you might just have the slightest chance of survival if you stock up heavily right now. And lucky for you, I’m still overstocked on some very attractive enchantments!’’
Hendrek swung Headbasher out of its protective sack and across the table towards the demon. All four mugs of ale went flying.
“Doom!” Hendrek cried as Headbasher hit the floor where Brax had stood but a moment before. The warclub left a sizable crack in the flagstone.
“See here!” the innkeeper protested. “I’m always glad to welcome strangers into my inn. I feel as if I am fairly open to differences in foreign customs. Still, there are limits—”
Brax ran behind the innkeeper. “Listen, I could sell you a little something that would rid you of unwanted guests instantly. It’s a small, enchanted bog, completely portable. Simply place it underneath unwanted company, and they’re sucked into the mire! And it’s hardly used at all, comes with a few bones of extinct creatures—”
“Doom!” Hendrek pushed the innkeeper out of the way to get closer to the salesdemon. Brax scooted beneath the table.
The displaced innkeeper pointed at Brax with a quivering finger. “If this creature is going to stay for dinner, you’ll have to pay for an extra place setting.”
“How about it, Hendrek?” the salesdemon shouted as it somersaulted gracefully over the swinging warclub. “You’re way behind in your payments. Now, with what’s going to happen, you’ll probably never be able to pay anything, ever again, if you catch my drift. How about using that fine, almost-new warclub to knock over what’s available around here, say, a young witch or a magician’s apprentice—”
“Doom!” Hendrek screamed. He leapt for the demon and landed on the table, and the fish. The fish and the table collapsed beneath his enormous weight.
The demon was panting as it ran to the other side of the room. “Really, I’m not doing this for my health. By this time tomorrow, you folks won’t have any health to worry about. You don’t stand a chance unless you stock up with my weapons, and I mean stock up heavily!”
Hendrek picked himself up from where the tabletop had met the floor. The innkeeper looked on in silent horror.
“C’mon guys, I’ve got an investment here, you know. It gets harder every day for a salesdemon to make a dishonest living!”
Hendrek threw the fish at Brax.
“No, no, I’m sorry,” the demon said. “It’s too late to make things better by giving me little gifts. Hmm. It is tasty though. Urk!”-
Distracted by the fish, Brax had not seen the flying Headbasher until the enchanted club had found its hellish mark.
“Easy terms!” The demon wobbled. “Years to pay!” The demon gasped. “Except, perhaps, in your case—” The demon popped out of existence.
“Doom!” Hendrek intoned.
“Is this what passes for table manners wherever you come from?” the innkeeper shrieked. “Of course! I let strangers into my inn, and this is the thanks I get. No, no, my wife tells me, what are strangers but people just like us, from another land. Hah! A land where people fall atop their food! Where people appear out of nowhere and offer to sell you swampland! I am never having strangers in my establishment again!”
“Indeed, my good fellow.” Ebenezum pulled out his small sack of gold.
“Of course!” the innkeeper shouted. “You offer me gold! Another time, perhaps! But now, I will not be silenced! Out in the street! Strangers! Just wait until I talk to my wife!”
We left with whatever speed we could muster.
“Well,” Ebenezum said as the door to the inn slammed shut behind us. “Perhaps we can sleep on the boat.”
We walked back down toward the docks.
Ebenezum moved between Norei and myself. “You were saying that you had a warning for me?”
“Yes, Guxx is very worried about your reaching Vushta. In fact, he seems to be petrified by the idea.”
“Indeed?”
“Yes.” Norei frowned. “Guxx feels you must be put out of the way at any cost. They have planned something at sea which you cannot possibly survive.”
“I see.” The wizard stroked his mustache in thought. “But if what you say is true, why then did they attack us in the forest?”
“Oh dear,” Norei said with a sigh. “I’m afraid I’m to blame for that. It happened when Guxx discovered that Wuntvor and I had been talking, after the demon was sure he had effectively stopped all magical communications from reaching you. I might have been in trouble then, if the demon had not been so hysterical. As it was, though, the spells Guxx threw at me unraveled when he began to scream incoherently about conspiracies against him. I think he felt then that your sea death, sure though it would be, was not soon enough. So he mustered whatever demons he could find and attacked you immediately.”
“Doom!” Hendrek said. “Snarks was right!”
“Indeed,” Ebenezum said, pulling reflectively on his beard. “Still, I wonder if perhaps it would be best not to congratulate him, at least until this campaign is over?”
Hendrek nodded his head in agreement. “Doom.”
The wizard turned back to Norei. “You still haven’t told me; exactly what is this sure death I am supposed to meet at sea?”
“That’s the problem!” Norei said, throwing out her hands in a gesture of helplessness. They were very beautiful hands. “I don’t know. We couldn’t find that out. Guxx discovered our spying, and the magical link vanished. But our eavesdropping did reveal one important fact! We learned the spell that would defeat whatever it was they sent against you!”
“Indeed?”
“Yes! All we know beyond that is the bringer of your death is very swift and sure, so we must use the spell the moment we see it, whatever it is.”
“And what is the spell?” Ebenezum asked.
Norei paused for a second to concentrate.
“It is a poem of sorts,” she began.
“Go, you creatures! Back down in the blue!
Go, you demons! Wakka doo wakka doo!”
“Indeed,” the wizard agreed. “It is fiendish enough to come from Guxx. And bound to be powerful. The rhyme scheme is better than most.”
“Doom,” Hendrek murmured.
“No, I don’t think so,” Ebenezum replied. “With the information Norei brought us, I think our mission has a chance.”
“Hi, there!” a small voice piped. “Rise and shine! The Brownie has arrived!”
“Doom,” Hendrek mumbled, half-asleep.
“My thoughts exactly!” Snarks cut in. “But all is not lost. I am here as well!”
“Indeed.” Ebenezum looked out from where he was using a sail as a blanket. “Could you get on the boat discreetly? I’m afraid the owner has not been completely informed as to the true nature of his passengers.”
“Don’t worry,” Snarks said. “I’ve come prepared.” Once again in close proximity to the wizard, the demon was heavily cloaked. He lifted his hood over his head. “Brrffll gllmlcch!” he exclaimed.
“Fine,” Ebenezum said. “Now Brownie, if you will hide in Snarks’s pocket?”
“A Brownie? Hide?” The little fellow placed his hands defiantly on his tiny hips. “No sir! Those days are over! Brownies hold their heads up high!” He looked angrily at Snarks, who had said something indecipherable. “Well, maybe not that far aloft, but plenty high for our size!”
The wizard sighed. “I’ll make it the third wish.”
“But you can’t! A pitiful wish like that? I’m sorry, the last wish has to be a whopper! I mean, we’re making Brownie history here!”
“Indeed,” the wizard said. “I wish the Brownie—”
“Stop where you are! I’m going!” The Brownie jumped into the pocket of Snarks’s cloak.
“Good day, sir!” the boatman called from the shore. “I see you are here promptly, and you have brought your party. Excellent. We will be off. And I see you’ll give me a hand with the sail?”
The rest of us stretched and stood. As stiff as I was from a night attempting sleep on this boat, I did not care. In another day or two, I would see Vushta!
My eyes were drawn to Norei, who had risen from where she had slept at the other end of the boat. There she was at the first light of dawn, her lovely hair in her eyes, yawning magnificently! Oh, what a lucky fellow I was to be in love with someone as fine as that!
The boatman stepped on board. “We are in luck. The weather is with us! We should make Vushta by nightfall tomorrow.” He brushed past Snarks. “If you will excuse me?”
“Bllflldmmp!” Snarks answered.
“Beg pardon?” the boatman said. “Say, you’re not a member of the original party, are you? You must be that fifth person the wizard said he was going to bring aboard. I don’t believe we’ve been properly introduced.”
“Indeed,” the wizard interrupted. “That is the last member of the party, a religious zealot, who must, to fulfill his vows, always keep himself heavily cloaked. In addition, we all attempt not to speak with him.”
“He hasn’t taken a vow of silence, has he?” the boatman asked. “I mean, I just heard him talk.”
“Indeed,” the wizard replied. “In his sect, the vow of silence is not severe enough. He has therefore taken the ultimate oath of his religious order, the vow of incoherence.”
“Kllfvrmmll!” Snarks complained.
“See what I mean?” the wizard added.
The boatman nodded, momentarily awestruck. Ebenezum instructed me to lend a hand in casting off from the dock. In situations of this sort, the wizard always said, it is better to act quickly, rather than to give anyone time to think.
In a matter of moments, we set sail. It was the first time I had ever been in a boat large enough for me and five others to stand in. And it was the first time I had ever been on an expanse of water larger than a small lake.
It was quite beautiful, watching the sun rise over the water, turning the sea pink, then red, then burnished gold. The gentle waves that broke across the ship’s bow, at first disconcerting to someone new to sea travel, soon became comforting in their regularity, and the way they gently rocked our craft. It was a very pleasurable experience, actually, being out on that inland ocean at the first light of morning. Much of the comfort was taken away, however, by the grim fact that the Netherhells’ fatal plan would attack us here, on this calm Inland Sea, and, indeed, that the attack might come at any moment.